Chemtrail conspiracy theory debunked

Can you believe these people?

I just posted a video showing the crazy, off the charts, unbelievable amount of spraying happening over Middle Tennessee. But it turns out, I almost got duped by another conspiracy theory. You see, it turns out "chem-”trails are not chemtrails at all. Unless, as the ex-Marine weatherman in the clip at the end of the video says, they actually are chemtrails.

But those chemtrails aren’t actually bad for you, it turns out. They’re merely “chaff” - millions of tiny bits of aluminum, or perhaps metal-covered bits of paper the military uses to mask radar signals so they can….Hmmm. I wonder what they could be doing while remaining invisible to all of the plane tracker apps? It’s obviously something really important because at least a dozen planes fly over our area nearly every day of the week, leaving those distinctive trails that flatten and spread out, transforming the pristine blue skies that used to be so characteristic of this part of the country into a dull smear the color of an old pair of gym socks.

Well, I trust the military! I mean, that’s a non-negotiable tenet of modern-day liberalism: you trust the fuckin’ military, man. Defund the police, sure. But don’t mess with my military budget. If anything, we should be spending more money on the military! You can bet your sweet poutine that Russia isn’t skimping on their military.

Plus, we all know that ingesting aluminum is really good for our brains, right? Especially as our world population ages. I mean, who wants old people hanging around who can actually remember what happened 10 or 20 or 50 years ago? They’d probably just say the world was better off when they were “real people” to hang out with and when you could do sunlight-dependent things like grow your own food or listen to the birds singing in the trees, or go to the beach, or be “naturally healthy” because you got plenty of vitamin D.

Plus, we know aluminum — much like the mycoplasma, sulfur dioxide, barium and vanadium they’re not spraying us with — is really good for Nature, too. I’m sure that’s why Monsanto has patented aluminum-resistant seeds and robotic seed pollinators! To take advantage of all that great aluminum raining down on us from all the chaff being sprayed by all the military jets that are only doing test exercises to keep us safe from…

Putin! (I knew it.)

Anyway, comrade, I can’t believe there are still conspiracy theorists out there who believe that the obviously non-harmful and (of course) totally beneficial “con”-trails coming from airplanes are actually “chem”-trails and that they might be somehow “harmful” to people, insects, or nature.

Our brand new Ministry of Truth (for which my gratitude knows no limits) should totally investigate the far-right extremists at CNBC who put out this piece of harmful disinformation called “This Bill Gates-funded chemical cloud could help stop global warming.”

These conspiracy theory wackos claim that our billionaire savior Bill Gates is financing “scientists” who plan to cover the Earth with a chemical cloud using —

Wait for it…

Airplanes!

Yes, they actually say we need airplanes that fly overhead leaving trails of chemicals in the sky to stop global warming climate change climate emergency.

“Thousands of planes would fly very high and use nozzles to eject millions of tons of light-reflecting particles into the stratosphere. It would create a thin chemical cloud of those particles around the whole planet.” — Katie Schoolov, CNBC

This kind of sun-dimming solar geoengineering comes with “significant risks and uncertainties” which include but are not limited to, “mass famines, mass floodings, and mass droughts.” Not to mention the dreaded rebound effect, should the people of the world ever get it together to selfishly demand that our governments and mega-corporations stop spraying us like bugs: "You get a rapid warming effect at a rate much faster than if we had done nothing,” according to climate scientists Alan Robock of Rutgers University.

But hey, just because the Earth isn’t warming at the rates they’ve been telling us about for years doesn’t mean we shouldn’t dim the sun and risk exterminating all the useless eaters! I mean, The Atlantic Magazine is all for it, so what could possibly go wrong?

You can watch the CNBC video right here, complete with cute little animated jets spraying chemtrails ejecting chemical particles out of their cute little jet-butts as a cute little chemical cloud spreads out and covers the Earth: